I am clearly not the person to give advise. I cannot tell you what to do but I'll tell you what I did. Here's a back story. I had birth my children when I was still young. I was skinny and it made me conscious because I don't look like a mother instead I look like an older sister to my children- and it's not flattering. Teachers, Social workers and Doctors doesn't seemed to trust my own children with me because I look like a kid myself. So I piled on weight. At the same time my divorce was finalized and I was free. I was also started on medication. After a few months I had gained 20 kg and I became overweight. I intended for a little weight gain but not being obese. I look at the mirror and I was devastated. Over the years, in my twenties I battled weight gained and depleting confidence. Then the pandemic came. It was during the fasting month of Ramadhan that I started working out after breaking my fast. I lost only two kilos. Then when the lock down was slowly redu...
I've created a chaotic mess in my head.
When I look in the mirror, I hate what I see.
As I look around my small flat, I hate my mixed matched furniture.
When I think how broken relationships has impacted me, I struggle to put things into perspective.
I know now. That I hated me.
I took my lazy self, a very anxious self, walking around the neighborhood.
The single walk out, took me 3 days journey.
I walked day and night.
I rested under the void deck of flats.
I nodded at the playground.
And I slept at the staircase landings.
When I reached home, tired and filthy smelly, my mom rushed me to the emergency room at the mental institution.
I had a good rest, a full month, at the institution.
Most importantly, I had lost weight.
And when I got out, the first thing I did was walk for ten minutes to get myself cigarettes. And I walked fifteen more minutes to reach home.
I never stopped walking.
Every morning, I wake up with every intention of walking after my morning prayer.
It was my solace. My anxiety cure.
Months passed.
I figured I need some friends.
Every morning, on my walks, I would say:
"Good morning!" or smile to people that passed me by.
And I did, successfully get to know neighbours.
Some became my friends.
Some pity me much.
Some I have a fallout with.
Some stayed nice and friendly.
It cured my loneliness much.
And I've learned to smile again.
I learned to talk to people again.
I'm not anxious as much.
I'm calmer now.
~When a soul has been touched
by hope, it no longer have
a longing but feel a belonging.~
@chirpbirdee
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