ChirpBirdee

Traumas are different and unique to each individual. You have to reflect on what your triggers are. Only then you can narrow down on why you have these triggers. When you know the what and understand the why, you can link it back to past memories, situations and events that leads to the trauma. Remembering and listing down the exact trauma is  difficult and requires a lot of patience dealing with emotions. But truly, by doing these steps, you are not reliving the past  rather you are confronting your very fears. It requires putting your emotions into perspective. It is an act of courage and bravery in itself. If you are able to remember how it feels like during the difficult times, surely you have put up a high defence wall in order to cope. Trust the process and healing takes time. Once you understood what causes the pain, you can take steps in preventing yourself from similar situations in the future. This will allow you to detach yourself from circling in the sa...

Happiness is a choice. You are in control of how you feel. You can decide to stop feeling  like shit. You get to decide who and what  makes you happy. Accepting everything for what it is. If you planned something, you want it to go your way and how you envisioned it. Sometimes accepting a little setback  or a little hardship, will help lower the stress, anxiety and anger. Lowering expectations of the  actual experiences, will help you enjoy the experiences more. It goes the same for people. If you come into any relationship and not have a certain or high expectations, you'll come to accept that they are who and what they are. Control and chaos. You cannot control everything. And you have to put chaos into perspective. Managing to balance control and chaos is a never ending battle. Choose to have peace. Live in perfect control over what you can and leave chaos to run it's course But leave it, really.  Unconditional love. Everyone place a set of condit...

You know when husbands have their boys day out. They'll say we're going fishing, a boat trip overseas. Or something like that. Wives or moms never have respite care privileges. I had been a part of a few "Silent Dance Mom" parties. It's when the husbands  go out and the kids goes to grandma's. It's always karaoke, btw. Or barbeque at the chalet. Sometimes, clubbing or drinking at the hotel. As a single mom, I never encourage gal pals to cheat on husbands. Once these parties go astray, I'll just walk out. Maybe a dance or a  full Monty show. But never sleep with any other man. Sometimes, we'll do something crazy. We'll go drinking at a local hotel. Book midnight tickets to Bali or  evening ferry to Batam. Go shopping tomorrow afternoon. Take an evening flight/ ferry back. Grab a taxi home and pretend  nothing happened. No pictures, no videos. If there are then it's no longer a secret right? Why do this? Why not? Do you know how l...

Today, I set out on my own date. I reflected on myself. I confronted myself. Now that I am calm. Now that I have settled. I know exactly and precisely how much I need. There's no excuse for not having enough. No more borrowing now, and pay back later. No more exceeding budgets. No more pleading for pity. I used to hate having less. Then I had more. Then more is not enough. I didn't know where I got it wrong. It's within my control. I scrutinized everything. If there's no use, there's no need. If there's a need, it must serve it's purpose. I used to blame having a tight budget. Not having enough. Inflation, I said. And all the other excuses I justified with. No more. I am my own parent, now. I have to woman up. No more blaming games. No more throwing excuses. No more excess baggages. No more paying for people. No more nice woman. No more, Yes Ma'am. No more, Yes Sir. Every cent had to be accounted for. I have to know where every dollar went. A...

I am a mom but I'm not a parent. I had the empty nest syndrome  many years back. I was a housewife. I'm no longer a wife. So I'm now a homebody. I cook but I'm not a chef. Even if it's made of instant  gravy paste with recipes  crafted by a chef. I'm a student but I'm not a youth. I'm a late learner. Everyone has opportunities at different times in life. I'm dating but I don't have  the intention of marrying. I haven't met someone who will compromise when I have issues. Some women carve out their lives  to be perfect wives and mothers, or either one, depending on situations. Some women pride in their jobs because it's lasting impact on societies and communities. Nobody will remember you as that good cook during family dinners. But people will remember the woman who brings the company million dollars ventures. I can't relate to neither of these. All my childhood memories are of me being sick with fever, sometimes twice  a m...

A space like this makes me smile. It reminds me of the bridal dais. Do I wish to marry? Was I worried about being alone? Do I need someone to care for me? Am I happy? But.... Why do I need someone around? Why do I need to care for someone's  laundry, meals, cleanliness? Wouldn't it burden me more if there's two of us? Can I be happy on my own? Yes. I'm perfectly fine. I'm not against people remarrying. I'm happy for those who do. I just don't understand - How people remarry more than twice. What are they looking for? Some help around the house? Company in bed? A best friend? A confidant? Well, these are what I'm  looking for too... But it doesn't have to be in a bundled packaged of one. These can be different people. An all rounder will break me if should he leaves. Too dependent. Too needy. That's what I am. What I was. I stop looking for these people  to fill my life anymore. I don't want to be a people pleaser. I don't want...

Being alone is a privilege to me. I had a family. I am a mother. Child caring was stopped short as custody order was decided. It felt like motherhood had been  stolen from me. I was grieving my lost. I felt guilty, more than anything. I named my children myself. But I call them Faith and Hope. That's what they meant to me. I let go of many pleasures. I deprived myself because of guilt. Slowly my children grew up. I cannot wait for them to  come back home on weekends. They got busy. I was heartbroken. When I took my first long walk. It was sheer determination. I walked away- from everything. My walk took me to neighbourhoods that I grew up in. I walked to the neighbourhood that gave me my first love. I walked to places where I used to hang out. I walked to my first few jobs, places that I'm so attached to my sense of belonging. I even walked to my mother-in-law's  hoping to catch a glimpse of my children. On my walk home, I instilled a lot of determination. I h...

I get hungry all the time. When I started my walks, I curb my eating. From three meals to two meals. I tweaked my breakfast. Oats and fruits. Then just fruits. And then just coffee. That's my one meal. Plus the other evening meal. My evening meal is huge. It's one and half cup of rice. And Malay gravy- Usually chicken or meat. And some veggies. I hate veggies actually. I wanted to meal plan. But meal prepping doesn't work. If I am hospitalized, all the food goes bad. So wasted. During COVID-19, I had to ask for free meals from FFFA. They gave RTE meals, in retort packaging. The food lasted for months according to my meal schedule. Even when I was hospitalized  twice during the period. I came home fully stocked up. Wonderful, I thought. So now, I buy a lot of RTE food. All of them Halal Malay gravy. They are so delicious. I know many will say, it's unhealthy. It depends how much you have daily or weekly. It's fine for me. No preservatives. Not salty. Tast...

I've created a chaotic mess in my head. When I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. As I look around my small flat, I hate my mixed matched furniture. When I think how broken relationships has impacted me, I struggle to put things into perspective. I know now. That I hated me. I took my lazy self, a very anxious self, walking around the neighborhood. The single walk out, took me 3 days journey. I walked day and night. I rested under the void deck of flats. I nodded at the playground. And I slept at the staircase landings. When I reached home, tired and filthy smelly, my mom rushed me to the emergency room at the mental institution. I had a good rest, a full month, at the institution. Most importantly, I had lost weight. And when I got out, the first thing I did was walk for ten minutes to get myself cigarettes. And I walked fifteen more minutes to reach home. I never stopped walking. Every morning, I wake up with every intention of walking after my morning prayer. It ...

Since losing a lot of weight, I need to  get some new clothes. My clothes were worn out and no longer fit me. They say you'll have to act your age. So dressing up as a teenager is no longer an option. I looked at clothes online. Even went on Pinterest to checked up on  clothing for my age... Clothes can come in plenty of textile types or in different colours.  I've comed to learnt that what I should look out for is the clothes  fitting and style. I went window shopping at Uniqlo.  I didn't plan on buying anything but  I came home with a sleeveless skater dress. I wouldn't go out wearing this dress.  I'm still conscious of my body.  But that night I put it on and fell  asleep in it. And that's how I  found my favorite night wear. I went again to Uniqlo in another month. There was a dress that caught my eye.  It was collared, long sleeve with a tie around the waist.  The length should reach the calf.  It's for th...